Good service, to CEOs, seems to mean: as machine-like as possible. I have just spoken to the most ridiculously impersonal “live” representative from Overstock.com. This is a transcript of the chat -
Tiffany: Thank you for visiting Overstock.com. How may I help you today?
Wendelin: my order no. 8289xxxx has not arrived yet. The order was placed on 20 Aug 2006 and supposedly shipped on 22nd Aug – it’s been more than 3 weeks! USPS can’t track this item, so I think you need to put up a trace or send me a replacement.
Wendelin: My name is [Wendelin], and my billing address is 007 James Bond St, MI5, etc. The contents of my order: DVDs of Ferris Bueller, Pulp Fiction, Sunset Boulevard and a book titled “echo of the big bang”.
Tiffany: Hi there.
(Notice how much stuff I managed to type while she was working up the hello.)Wendelin: Could you please be quick about this? You can skip the hello’s and sorrys and thank you’s, I am in a hurry.
Tiffany: I’m sorry to hear that you never received your order.
(And so it begins.)Tiffany: I’ll be glad to check that information for you.
Tiffany: We value your time. Let me check that for you.
Tiffany: For security purposes, may I ask you to verify the name and billing address on your account?
Wendelin: I already DID
Tiffany: I’m sorry.
Tiffany: Let me check that.
Wendelin: I am trying to save us time – I have verified my name, billing address and order contents. Please don’t ask me to verify the order contents now.
Tiffany: Thank you for confirming the details, Wendelin.
(Hurry UP, bitch!)Tiffany: Just to re-confirm, you are referring to the ‘Pulp Fiction (Collector’s Edition) (DVD)’, ‘Echo of the Big Bang’, ‘Sunset Boulevard (DVD)’ and ‘Ferris Bueller’s Day Off – Bueller… Bueller… Edition (SE/DVD)’, am I correct?
Wendelin: OH MY GOD, did I not JUST type out all my order contents??? Am I talking to a person or a computer??
Tiffany: I’m sorry you felt that way.
Tiffany: I’m a live person.
(Allow me to entertain strong doubts.)Tiffany: Thank you for confirming the products.
Wendelin: I also JUST said: PLEASE DON’T ASK ME AGAIN ABOUT THE ORDER. Did you read it?
Tiffany: In reviewing your account information, I see that you have placed this order on 08-20-2006 and was shipped to you on 08-22-2006 via USPS.
(Jesus. H. Christ.)Tiffany: And it is beyond the shipping timeframe.
(You don’t say.)Wendelin: I know that. Can you track the order? If you can’t, can you replace it?
Tiffany: I’m sorry the USPS wouldn’t update the tracking details until the delivery of the items.
(Mya I let my attention wander, since you haven’t told me anything since we started 20 minutes ago?)Tiffany: What best I can do is setup trace for these items for replacement.
(Yes! I think she’s finally caught up to the first thing I said.)!Wendelin: How long will this take?
Tiffany: The trace will be completed in 4 business days.
(Wonder of wonders, a straight, quick answer.)Wendelin: OK, put the trace on.
Tiffany: Once the trace is completed it takes 1-4 business days for the replacement order to leave the warehouse and 2-15 business days to reach you.
Tiffany: May I go ahead and set up a trace with the carrier, Wendelin?
Wendelin: …
Tiffany: I have set up a trace for you. You will soon get an email confirming it. If we cannot find the package, we will ship you a replacement in 1-4 business days and the order will reach you in 2-15 business days.
Wendelin: …
Wendelin: OK. Sorry I was rude to you, but you have got to stop behaving like a machine.
Tiffany: I really appreciate your patience and understanding in this issue.
Tiffany: It was nice chatting with you.
Tiffany: Thank you again for visiting Overstock.com. Have a great day!
Wendelin: No it wasn’t, don’t lie. Good God, they do rule you with an iron fist, don’t they? What does it take to make you deviate from your script?
Tiffany: We always feel happy when talking to customer.
Tiffany: Because we know that they contact us with an issue.
Tiffany: I never felt bad, however, I understood your concern.
(I give up.)Wendelin: fine. you win. thanks. bye.
Tiffany: Thank you, bye. Wendelin.
Well.. If I were Tiffany, I’d really bitch about you in my blog
!
Patience Wendelin.
Jeez, I was in a hurry, and the woman took all day to catch up to what I’d told her in the first two sentences. I know, I know, she’s just doing her job, and they’ll probably fire her if she didn’t stick to the script, but for god’s sake, the script CANNOT POSSIBLY be telling her to tell me things I’ve already told her!
haahaaa… ::holds sides and laughs:: haahaahaaahaa….
nan, get a taste of ur own..erm..well, stronger medicine
(it would take ages for u to say “uhuh” when I’d talk to you whenever ud be watching TV or reading a book)
*three cheers to tiffany, hip, hip, hurray!*
HAAHAAHAA