This may not come as a surprise to people who know me or my blog, but “womanly” is not what comes to mind when you try to describe me. Fulfilling the obligations of this tag is therefore a walk in the park – no, scratch that, it’s being carried through the park on a palanquin. Hey, that’s a nice way to write a blog post: reclining in a luxurious palanquin lined with silk cushions, tapping away on my netbook to the background music of the palanquin bearers singing “hun huna hun huna hun huna re hun huna” a la kaliganj ki bahu. But I don’t think the parks around here have wireless internet, which makes this fantasy totally unrealistic.
Anyway, where was I? Listing my sins against gender norms. Right.
- I don’t wear a mangalsutra, or sindoor, or bindi or or toe-rings or any of the external symbols of marriage exclusive to women.
- I didn’t change my name after getting married.
- I am not the least bit religious. I don’t keep “vrats” or bond with other women over favourite deities.
- I wear pants all the time. Traditionally womanly clothes like skirts and salwaar kameezes and sarees either look like crap on me or they’re too much trouble.
- I’m not coy talking about sex or birth control.
- I am completely clueless in the universe of makeup. I tend to stay far away from all of it.
- I am logical and rational rather than emotional during arguments, to a degree that infuriates my husband.
- I talk, out loud, in very opinionated terms in both same-gender groups and mixed-gender groups. I’m rarely shy about calling people out on “manly” topics even if I’m the only woman in an all-male group.
- I swear. A lot. I’m trying to stop because when your kid starts saying “goddammit” it’s only cute a couple of times…
- I am not shy about saying that motherhood often sucks balls. It may have its compensation, but it is definitely a mixed bag.
The ever-insightful IHM asks women in the post in which she tagged me:
Have you ever wanted something that is considered ‘manly’ ? Like a basketball, a cell phone, a dog, a camera or a new laptop? A new car or motor bike? Ever wanted to be a pilot? A doctor or not a nurse? And the manliest want of them all – The remote!
To be honest, I looked at that list and thought: What? Dogs and cell phones and doctors are manly?!
But on a moment’s reflection, I realised my gut instinct is not very reliable for these things. I had parents who spent my entire childhood encouraging me to do whatever was best for me, gender roles be damned. I grew up rebellious and questioning and non-compliant, and I’ve remained an iconoclast into adulthood mostly because I can afford to: I know I can survive very well even if I become an outcaste, since I live in a free society in the internet age, I have skills and a good education, and thus hundreds of ways in which to earn my living without having to please the crazy gender police. I am not at their mercy.
But an overwhelming majority of women are at the mercy of the gender police for one reason or another.
Most women in our world are brought up to remain dependent on men for their survival, both literally and figuratively. The vast majority are denied education, an even bigger portion are forbidden from earning a living by being denied payment for the work they do. More insiduous than this is the near-universal brainwashing of women to think of their futures Disney-esquely, as if their lives end in marriage instead of marriage being a new beginning. The brainwashing comes from everywhere: remember when the whole of India asked without a trace of irony whether Aishwarya Rai will continue her acting/modeling career after marriage, and if so, won’t it be awkward if she has someone other than her husband in the role opposite her?
The final barrier is that of personality: few people are willing to risk and lose as many close relationships with family and friends as I have lost in the service of breaking all those gender norms. Most days I’m not even sure I’ve done the right thing in treating those relationships so cavalierly, but some inner compulsion drives me to do it regardless. I would not wish this drive on you, or on all the women who cow before family pressures or peer pressure, and trade a little bit of their freedom of self-expression for love and social harmony. Who says they didn’t make the right decision?
I think the point I am trying to make is this: I don’t think we ought to be too self-congratulatory about personally breaking gender norms. It’s more a measure of our privilege than our awesomeness. I think more worthwhile work lies in trying to change other people’s heart’s and minds about these issues, doing the difficult work of persuading rather than arguing…
IF you figure out how to do this, for the love of FSM drop by and tell me.
D’oh, I was supposed to tag people!
OK: Saurabh, “METWOH”, Jupiter Juice, Sherene, Mockingbird, Captain Molecule,Nimbupani, Angelsera, Tilopinion, Anil Karanam (who has a blog but no posts 
), Heather and Lehmunade, you are all tagged. If you don’t have a blog, leve your sins against gender norms here in the comments. Anybody I’ve missed out, please tag yourselves!
I agree with you Nandini, “I think more worthwhile work lies in trying to change other people's hearts and minds about these issues, doing the difficult work of persuading rather than arguing…”
I also feel little rebellions prepare the society for the chages that we are going to see in the coming years. Gender police, moral police, culture police in so many various ways try to stop this – the worst is when educational institutes- not just schools, but professional colleges have gender based restrictions on students.
It would be great if one could take pride in one's rebellion – the shame that is attached to staying unmarried or not wanting children, or enjoying a sport that only men are supposed to enjoy will gradually fade.
It's much worse for men – but it would be so wonderful (and one can see this happening) when men refuse to be forced to be guardians, bread winners, protectors of the morals of women and helpless victims of male egoes.
I have added the url to this post on the facebook page for, “SINNERS AGAINST GENDER STEREOTYPES (SAGS)
Here's hoping for a future where we all get to choose the way we live our lives and what our likes, dislikes, and actions will be regardless of our gender!
(I am considered “ultra feminine” by most people who know me, I'm quite traditional, but I am always aware that it is something I am choosing to be and I want everyone to be able to choose whether or not to go that direction.)
Came here from the fb SAGS group. Found your post refreshingly different
Ah some of the stuff which would be apt for this post is so inappropriate to be put online that I would have start an anonymous blog to be completely truthful
@Sherene How gender typical of you
@Nandini Sorry too much effort to write a blog! Here's my list from an opposite perspective:
- I find “men-talk” boring. When men and women separate in typical Indian family gatherings, I used to be with the women.
- I dont like gadgets, cars and the like.
- I have painted my pinky nail and applied henna to my palm on occasion!
- I can cook, and cooked for years before marriage.
- I like babies/kids and like to play with them.
- I am neater than you! (Actually this should be your SAGN – I'm quite normal here).
- I dislike most action movies, comics etc. I cried during Bridges of Madison County and Terms of Endearment.
Loved your take on vrats and favorite deities! I wrote mine too, thanks for tagging me!
Thanks for the tag, Nandini. Got me thinking! – mockingbird
Here are my sins:
I love soccer, yeah, I am not “putting up” with it (or flirting) when I listen to guys talk about it, I actually like talking about soccer (AND a few other sports).
I am married, and that does not mean I can't find someone other than pati-parmeshwar hot.
I do not wear the visible Indian-married-woman jewellery.
I think all women would love to be gay (if it were a choice, which it isn't) and just do away with all the boys. We don't “need” them for any of the practical things.. but they're just too cute and we'd miss them
So, fine, we'll have them around. But, boys, do not take advantage of our affections.
Motherhood was not all it was hyped up to be. I agree with Nandini on this one. It is so rewarding in ways I couldn't have imagined before becoming a mom, but it, more often than not, sucks balls, and has taken a toll on my marriage. There, I said it.
I hate jewellery.
I do not like pink and pink doesn't like me.. It is SO not my color. I'd look like I spilt pepto on myself. I am pretty much always in black.
I can talk about sex without blushing.
I don't find kids all that cute. I mean I love my kid, but kids are annoying and I don't slobber all over anyones' kid but mine (I might pretend to – and I hate that I find the need to pretend just because some parents expect it).
I have no qualms about apologizing first after a fight. I do not need the flowers or maska that comes along with it.
Making lavish “surprise” gestures actually annoys me, I'd much rather know what is going on. (Control freak is in the house!! Yeah, me.)
I am not quick to judge when I hear about affairs. This doesn't not mean I support infidelity, but ladies', keep your skirts on.. We do not know the circumstances.
Some girly (or considered-girly) things I actually like doing..
I love skirts and dresses (I do agree with you a little, Nandini, it IS too much work, but thats the only totally girly girl thing I do). I love that just a pair of pumps can change the way you walk and feel in them..
I get regular mani-pedis.. it just feels so good.
I cry a lot.
I love Grey's anatomy (yeah, spare me the whole it's fake speech. I know it's a show.. isn't everything?)
I think being a mom has made me be more of myself every day and THAT is awesome. In a way, I needed to see my daughter to know who I was.
Aside: I knew a pair of idiots in grad school, a desi married couple (our generation, mind you). At parties etc., (buffet too, no less) she would first plate stuff up for him, hand it to him and only after he has had his first serving, and after serving up what he needs for his second serving, would she start eating. That loser would actually be touting theories like, in our blah-blah yuga, the women were happy to serve their husbands. It wasn't a compulsion, they enjoyed making sure their husband ate before they even drank water etc. I always thought to myself, wackos! It is women like this who ruin the fight for women everywhere. So, one elderly woman who was visiting at the time was like, “Don't you serve up food for H (lets call the husband H for now) like wacko-lady over there? See how considerate she is.” Without even blinking, and with everyone hearing, I said, “That is just ridiculous. If she wants to be servile doesn't mean every woman should walk back oh-I-don't-know-atleast-about-a-100 years, and serve up food for husbands everywhere? H can serve himself and knows better than to expect it from me”. H was grinning at me when I got back to sit down.. and was like, “You let her down easy!”
-mockingbird
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Hmm, expression of self is definitely good, and as follows, suppression of one's self, is well, not so good. However, I sometimes find that the women who take up the mantle of women's rights are in danger of tipping too far in the other direction. They suppress the feminine aspects of their self, in the belief that if men like it, it must be a form of oppression. If you act like men all the time, I'd have to be gay to like you. No? If you want to deny your feminity, then also stop expecting men to take ownership of the yard work, the heavy lifting etc. not to mention, opening that pickle bottle your mom sent you.
@ Anonymous –
I sometimes find that the women who take up the mantle of women's rights are in danger of tipping too far in the other direction. They suppress the feminine aspects of their self, in the belief that if men like it, it must be a form of oppression.
- Do you mean women who are naturally inclined to like high heeled shoes and jewelry would bother to suppress their desire and force themselves to wear pants or whatever?
If you act like men all the time, I'd have to be gay to like you. No?
– What exactly is ‘acting like men’ ?
Should women who are naturally disinclined to like long hair or whatever is considered feminine, pretend to love these things? Isn’t that cheating? Would you not rather be with a lively, energetic, short haired girl? (Hair length is just an example)
If you want to deny your feminity, then also stop expecting men to take ownership of the yard work, the heavy lifting etc. not to mention, opening that pickle bottle your mom sent you.
How does one deny one’s femininity?
Is masculinity only about physical strength? Are only strong men, men? And physically strong women should pretend to be fragile? I have seen this happen and I think it’s really sad that somebody should need to pretend to be shy or weak or scared of insects – there’s a lot more to a person than this. I have seen women wishing they were not physically strong or at least didn’t look strong!
And if a woman finds it difficult to open the bottle – would you rather the pickle was wasted?
Saw you're new blog, which led to this one, so here are my sins against the norm:
1. I hate to cook. I get no pleasure from providing my family with meals, and at times am quite resentful that I'm stuck with that job.
2. I LOVE IT when the kids are away at camp and I have the house to myself. Ditto on the husband.
3. After having my boys, I was HAPPY to go back to work. And when I was between jobs, I thought I'd go crazy staying home.
4. I hate keeping house, cleaning, decorating, finding things that match.
5. I have no fashion sense, and shoe shopping is foreign to me. I wear sneakers, and when I'm in sandals, they are guy sandals (really, bought mens – better heal support). Don't understand the fascination girls have with flip flops at all… (and talking about norms, I looked at a picture of my son with a group at an amusement park – almost all the boys had sneakers on, the girls flip flops)
6. I LOVE yard work – would rather mow than clean house any time. I often do the mowing, just because I like it so much!
7. I am the main disciplinarian in the house. There are times my husband pulls out the big punishments, but for day to day it is me (no “wait till your father gets home”)
8. I talk about sex with my 15 year old son. Sure it is uncomfortable, but I don't hide behind my husband and expect him to do all the talking, just because I have boys.
… and there are so many more ways… Sure, I do ask hubby to help out with the pickle jar (although usually I just use the handy kitchen gadget), and I read romances and cry at sappy movies. I like to get dolled up once and a while, and love holding babies. I think I have the best of both worlds – can be fully woman when I choose, can be non-typical when I choose.
Its so relieving to c somebody out thr who thinks along similar lines…trust me ur blog makes me feel good abt my thots and gives confidence to stick to them. many times under the garb of family and aashirwaad of elders choice of women is taken