Mera Naam Joker

It’s a slow evening at home.

Saurabh and Angad are on the PC together. Saurabh’s got two Firefox windows open side by side; he surfs on one while Angad watches YouTube music videos on the other. Angad is naked from the waist down, because we’re toilet-training him the lazy way: off with diapers and hope for the best.

I’m on the laptop, attempting to write. But I can’t. Because this is what’s happening:

Angad: (jumping up and down) Light-dance! You wanna watch light-dance! (Kid mixes up his “I”s and “you”s)

Saurabh: OK.

~ Five min break as Fred Astaire song from Royal Wedding plays, in which the dude dances all over the ceiling, including over the lights hanging from it. The song has barely ended when …~

Angad: Omegdunno. Omegdunno! You want omegdunno!

Saurabh: Whut?

Angad: (enunciating as if Baba’s IQ is low today) Youuu wannnnt omegdunnooooooo!

Saurabh: (turning to me) What’s omegdunno?

Me: Old McDonald.

Saurabh: We have got to teach him to say his Ls. Angu, say “lll lalala”.

Angad: Nnn nanana.

Saurabh: *facepalm*

Angad: OMEG DUNNOOOOOO!

Me: You know what we really need to teach him to say? “Please”.

~ Two min break as Old McDonald‘s entire farm has its say and Angad sings along. Song ends. Angad does not pause for breath. ~

Angad: Suku-suku! You want to watch suku-suku!

Saurabh: Suku-suku is boring, Angu, let’s watch something else.

Angad: You want suku-suku-bore! Suku-suku-BORE!

Saurabh: LOL, OK, shush.

~ Angad dances around the room enthusiastically. Ten minute break as suku-suku-BORE plays. ~

~ …. or so I thought. Suku-suku is still playing, but Angad is now standing in front of me, trying to shut off my laptop and pull me up to a standing position. ~

Angad: Have you made a pee-pee. Amma! Have you made a pee-pee! Amma! (You guessed it: he mixes up his “have you…”s and “I have…”s as well.)

Me: WTF I’m writing, tell Baba to clean it.

Saurabh: ~ has beaten a strategic retreat to far-off areas of the house ~

Me: *sigh* OK, let’s clean this up.

Angad: Amma and Angu will keen-keen (read: clean-clean)!! YAY!!11! ~ Runs off at top speed to get cleaning supplies, because cleaning up is his favourite thing in the world. Can this kid really be my biological son? ~

Me: (while cleaning) Next time, Angu, you should pee in the toilet. Try it. It’s fun.

Angad: ~ Is not listening. Insists on “helping”. Sprays carpet cleaner on his own feet. Rubs dirty cleaning rag on TV screen. Pees a little bit more out of sheer delight. ~

Me: Idiot child, where have you peed now? Show me so I can clean it!

Angad: *looks around speculatively*

Me: (soliloquising) Oh this is going to be good…

Angad: Fan! You peed on the ceiling fan!

Me: ORLY, and how did you get up there to do your business?

Angad: (without missing a beat) You did the light-dance!

~ Ba dum tishhh. ~

My son, ladies and gentlemen. He’s here all week!